Letting go
Recently I experienced a situation that brought me peace. I was having a hard time accepting that my marriage was over. I was running after my ex-husband — who already have a new girlfriend — telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted to get back with him.
The thing is deep down I wasn’t even sure I wanted all of that. I don’t want to get into details about our separation but believe me, going back with him would be hard to explain to my family, friends and to my self-love.
Every time I sent him a message or every time he wrote me, I felt like I was being dragged in mud. Although I believed I loved him, I was romanticizing our marriage. I was always left feeling sad, tired and dirty (literally) after talking to him.
After months without seeing each other, we agreed that we would meet up to talk, to have closure — actually I only wanted to see him to confess my love and to try to get back with him. On the day before our date, he told me that he wouldn’t be able to come because he would have the day off and had decided to go out of town with his new girl (in the BMW we bought together…).
The night he told me that we couldn’t meet up, I had dinner with a friend, and I explained my situation to her. She was very supportive, that’s what friends are for, and tried to tell me to let go of him and this need of having “the talk”. I explained my motives, and she understood, but still didn’t agreed with me. When we left, I’ve accompanied her to her car and on my way back home I felt like I was carrying a cross. I felt a weight on my shoulders, it’s was really hard to walk.
Once at home, I realized what was happening: I was putting myself in the position of the victim. I was scared of the future, holding on to a past that was not even so good to begin with.
Suddenly something clicked inside of me. I literally saw all of my bullshit, all of my lack of self-esteem trying to hold on to a person who is long gone from my life. I stopped romanticizing all those years together and started seeing the truth. In the past we had good and bad times, but in the present things are awful, we grew apart and honestly it is impossible to get back with him. It would be to setlle for mediocrity.
It’s scary to be divorced at 37. No kids. Living in a foreign country (I live in Spain, but I am from Brazil). I dated these past months since my separation but nothing serious. I realized that I was fooling myself, pretending that I was still in love with a person that treated me in a wrongful way just out of fear.
I realised that if I kept scared, running after my ex, it would be impossible to grow out of this situation and become a better person.
I understood why I felt dirty, why I felt dragged in mud when I talked to him, and why I was always so drained and sad afterwards. That cycle was closed. That door was locked. Not only for him but for me too. I was going against my being, trying to retrieve something I didn’t even knew I wanted, out of fear.
We spent 14 years together — actually today it’s the anniversary of the day we’ve met — and it was great. We had good and bad times together. It was beautiful. But it’s over. And it is important to accept and to let go.
I feel very lucky to realise that I wasn’t going nowhere in that path of trying to relive the past. I was running away from an amazing future and amazing possibilities that the universe is ready to offer me.
My message for you today is let these cycles close. Don’t be afraid of the future. Don’t insist on things that don’t make you feel good. Trust your instincts. You are strong. An ending it’s not always a bad thing, it is important to close cycles to let new things happen to you since you can’t move forward if you keep looking back. Imagine that your path it’s like one of those high securities labs we see in movies, that to arrive at the main computer you must past through securities doors, but the thing is: the door in front won’t open it if you don’t close the one that’s behind you. If you don’t close it you will be stuck in this room, without knowing what the door in front holds to you, and without being able to actually go back through that door in the back.
So, close those cycles. Say goodbye. Move on. I did it and it was — it is amazing!
